We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
