Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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