dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
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If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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