I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
