Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
