I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing