Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
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I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
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There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam