fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
