is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
