im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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