I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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