Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
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You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
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You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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