so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
