My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
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I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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