I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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