the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
