I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
