I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
What did we do last night that was yellow?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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