Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
