I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
