I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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