Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize