That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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