Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
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Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
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Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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