Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
How naked do you want me to be?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
