There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
