You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
