Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
