I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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