I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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