mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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