my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just tell him i said nine months
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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