I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
