I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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