You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
