It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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