12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
