I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
