why didn't you poke me back
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
