google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
