I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
