im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
