Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
