You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
