Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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