I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
