mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
