Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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