Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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