Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
