After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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