Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You can't special order awesome
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
