No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
