My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
