We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
