No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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