Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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