Swine flu. Run for my life!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
