My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
