In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
